WARNING, THERE MAY BE SPOILERS IN THIS POST! Also, these are just my honest descriptions. I mean nothing rude about any of these characters. Not every single character is listed. THIS POST INCLUDES CHARACTERS FROM BORUTO!

Please excuse my habit of typing rest in peace in all caps and bolded next to every character that I know has died.

Naruto & Naruto Shippuden  

The Akatsuki:

Zetsu - friggin' overgrown plant, get the weed killer asap


Tobi - walking lollipop that says olé 


Kisame - walking fish thats much more useful than magikarp  (REST IN PEACE!)


Itachi - p e r f e c t i o n (REST IN PEACE!)


Sasori - me on a daily basis  (REST IN PEACE!)


Konan - what a q u e e n  (REST IN PEACE!)


Pain - did all those piercings hurt or nah? (REST IN PEACE!)


Deidara - what shampoo and conditioner do u use? friggin' idiot, you had so much to live for. (REST IN PEACE!)


Hidan - hot immortal narcissist (HAVING FUN BEING BURIED ALIVE?)


Kakuzu - do you make good spaghetti with arms like those? (REST IN PEACE! not really)

Nagato - dude you're so damn underweight how are you even alive? oh wait you're not.

Teenage Characters:

Naruto - you look like a furry with those whiskers on your face but you're cute 

Sakura - hey guys you forgot some trash 

Sasuke - i see no difference between you and a duck's ass

Shikamaru - did you eat spongebob's house and then it took over your hair? but you're hot *sweats*

Ino - i like your hair but your personality needs the hell of a lot of tweaking 

Choji - cute chub boi who deserves more love 

Shino - petition to get him the love and appreciation he so rightfully deserves signs the hell out of it  

Kiba - i only like you because of your dog 

Akamaru - omg the goodest boi 

Hinata - cute shy waifu (#naruhina)

Neji - an ass in the original, a badass in both the original and shippuden. he didn't deserve to die. + he was hot  (REST IN PEACE!)

Rock Lee - cutie that doesn't get enough love 

Tenten - why did you put a blindfold on neji lmaooo

Gaara - you are so precious oml 

Kankuro - daddy material (i am so sorry for this LOL)

Temari - i love you, marry me. 

Sai - M A R R Y. M E. 

Haku - you were hot. nuff said. (REST IN PEACE!)

Teachers:

Kakashi - *squidward voice* oh no he's hot 

Iruka - precious bby 

Asuma - WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE :'( (REST IN PEACE!)

Kurenai - u cant hide anything from us 

Jiraiya - heckin' L'Oreal model + sad death (REST IN PEACE!)

Guy - YOUTH! 

Yamato - morning 'wood' (Edit: I meant nothing inappropriate by this, I just thought it was funny.)

Other Characters {Hokages included}:

Kabuto - get out 

Orochimaru - i hate that i like seeing you on the screen

Anko - i like you 

Konohamaru - cutie

Inoichi - my mom calls you a blockhead 

Shikaku - pineapples. nuff said. 

Last note for both Inoichi and Shikaku - your deaths were quite sad. (REST IN PEACE!)

Choza - you would make a great pillow 

Obito (quite different from Tobi) - ur still hot i see 

Rin - what's the quickest way to a woman's heart? chidori. (too soon?)  (REST IN PEACE!)

Madara - why do you look like you're about to cry when hashirama says he'll deal with you later? (REST IN PEACE!)

Hashirama - my vocabulary becomes tiny when it comes to you  (REST IN PEACE!)

Tobirama - how can someone be so hot and cute at the same time? (REST IN PEACE!)

Hiruzen - did you make the old people fan club? (REST IN PEACE!)

Minato - too bad you're dead, and taken by kushina, you're perfect husbando material.  (REST IN PEACE!)

Tsunade - i dont know what to put here 

Zabuza - you died by haku's side in the original, and in shippuden, you were also sealed together. you two are inseparable, good god.  (REST IN PEACE!)

Kushina - i love you  (REST IN PEACE!)

Killer Bee - i dont know how to rap but my sister loves you 

Suigetsu - i dont get why karin finds you annoying 

Jugo - why is your name spanish for juice? 

Karin - you're annoying 

Tazuna - hey remember when you said that naruto would never become hokage? news flash, you clearly havent seen boruto. 

Inari - u acc became hella cute in shippuden 

Shizune - did u know i cried when u died and when u got revived?

Tonton - cutie

Shisui - who said you could be hot and cute at the same time?

Boruto  

I'm too lazy to organize this:

Boruto - say your own name enough and it'll sound like you're saying burrito

Sarada - i've been sitting here for five minutes and i still dont know what to put here 

Mitsuki - did you know i love your dad?

Shikadai - did you ever realize that you're literally a copy of your dad? 

Konohamaru - damn son

Chocho - i friggin love you 

Inojin - i love your dad 

Sumire - that plot twist made me dislike you for a bit. 

Himawari - literally the cutest person in the whole anime

Iwabe - why do you strike me as gay 

Denki - normally when i hear your name i think of a certain discount saitama from mha

Metal Lee - hey guys it's a clone of Rock Lee, only this one is the type to be hella nervous

Naruto (Lord Seventh) - can you plz go back to your old haircut 

Hinata - damn you became hot 

Shikamaru - dude i literally cannot keep myself from laughing when i see you on the screen 

Shino - okay now you just look ridiculous, i'm sorry. 

Kakashi (Lord Sixth) - hot as always, i see. 

Temari - oh mama 

Ino - you got better i guess 

Sai - why did you marry ino tho 

Sakura - hey look you actually aren't useless anymore

Sasuke - go back to your old haircut, it's less emo. 

Kiba - you and facial hair dont go well together (CHANGE MY MIND)

Rock Lee - you legit havent changed 

Choji - oh my god what happened to you 

Gaara - that hairstyle is just n o. 

Orochimaru - why do you look like how you did when you were a kid? 

Suigetsu - holy hell you got cuter 

Karin - omg you're less annoying 

Literally all the enemies - go back to where you crawled out from.