Member
209 posts
363
Seen 14th August 2023
26th May 2023, 07:50 PM
The leaves start to break down, change color, eventually leaving their home as they fall down to the earth, marking the beginning of fall. On such a night, the seeds of my essence were sown, awaiting the warmth of spring to grow and blossom.
Fall
(2012-2014)
It was in the fall of the year 2012, in a small town by the Nile, that I had discovered Old Club Penguin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx3OBJM-ZlI). I used the same username I had been using on Club Penguin, which I had concocted by angrily smashing my keyboard when all of my other usernames were taken, and as such, Asq5 had come into the world.
My first memories are very hazy, but the first friend I made was Kara. She did not hesitate to make it an incredibly welcoming experience for me, as the language barrier and my young age had made it difficult for me to grasp most things, she would often provide her direct support. But the mind of a child is truly limited, so I quickly forgot about the game and the community, only to return months after, sometime in 2013.
Shout to my first two friends: Sueys and Sneval
Kara was still around, we caught up, and I was surprised that she still remembered me. In fact, she was now a moderator! I had just turned 10, and my social intelligence was still challenging that of an inanimate object. That made me susceptible to saying or doing stupid things, which often garnered me mountains of dislikes on the forums. It always made me feel rejected.
I already felt like an outcast, and I craved a medium where I could feel like I mattered. That’s when I met Island, and our relationship quickly flourished. He could make a CPPS, and I had the allowance for it, it felt like it was meant to be, or so it seemed. We started RealCP, our very own small creation, it had a grand community of under 10 users, including myself, Island, Luke, Gamer, Mico, and others. I was very proud of it, I even showed it off at school!
It had already been 2 years since the Arab Spring, and the child in me had developed a deep obsession with justice that I still struggle with to this day. I felt I was often wronged, and the popular hacker group “Anonymous” had resonated with my beliefs at the time. Much like any child who’s passionate about something, I embodied my beliefs, I put on the mask and tried to play the character.
I thought I was building my own justice, and that of others whom I felt had also been wronged in the community, but I basically just harassed people, claiming I would do things I could not. My reputation went from bad to worse, and I was ip-banned from OldCP by someone I considered one of my only friends at the time, this man was Hashir. Even Kara had to cut her losses and split up with me. This angered me, I did not understand why I had to lose my closest friend, and I did not have friends prior to this, so I did not know how to react. I got angry, said many hurtful things I didn’t mean, and it reached the top brass.
I was doxed, pictures of me and my name circulated around the forums, most notably in an announcement on the front page. People wrote statuses making fun of me, my appearance, they were cruel. I cursed them out, and in a traditional twisted DSGHQ fashion, I would not be banned until the laughter had stopped. I was hurt, crushed, but finally, I understood there was nobody and nothing that could ever correct the extreme injustice that had befallen me.
I cried. I cried a lot. Until I couldn’t breathe. I was desperate for anyone to quell the overwhelming sorrow that was quickly drowning me. I turned to Xat, quickly to be reminded that I was banned from the OldCP chatroom, and that I had no friends to talk to. So I logged on RealCP, and there I found my knight in shining armor, Luke. He listened to me as I tried to get my emotions out, not only restrained by my linguistic inabilities, but also the tears falling on my keyboard. But he understood, he comforted me, and most importantly, he helped me believe that I did not deserve it.
That was when I vowed to myself I would never wait for anyone to fight for my justice ever again, and that I would truly build it with my own two hands. I had to cause the same pain and suffering I had gone through to those who had brought it upon me.
Winter
(2014-2016)
I have memory holes after this period, but I recall that I started branching off in many directions. I started learning web design, I used visual editors like Dreamweaver, and I did not understand a word of CSS, so naturally I made some awful stuff. Whenever I showed any of my work to Island, he would harshly criticize it, and when I asked him to teach me, he would promptly refuse.
I also began to foster very strong relationships with both Mico and Gamer at the time. Gamer accepted me and treated me like a human and a friend despite the irrationally hateful sentiment towards me in the community. He talked to me constantly, always enjoyed the projects I worked on and kept me in the loop about whatever was happening in the community. Mico and I talked a lot on Skype, we both shared wildly creative imaginations and a love for role-play, so together, we built Turbocraft, the greatest Minecraft server known to man. I no longer retain specific details of these memories, but I remember that I was really happy, I loved hopping on Minecraft in the summer and wasting hours on end with Mico architecting our grand creations on the server.
Eventually, everyone finds their place within the community, but I always remained an outcast, and my lacking social skills continued deteriorating, but Mico thrived. Ranks were bestowed upon him that I could never have dreamt of, and like the stars in the sky, his sparkle grew ever-more distant from me.
To my misfortune I could not change the fact that I am human, and I could not resist the human urge for connection and belonging. I made alts on Xat to access the OldCP chatroom and various others. Sometimes I was caught and banned on the spot, other times people spotted me but overlooked my presence. I think some staff just had a grudge against me. Because I was constantly getting banned from the official OldCP chatroom, I ended up sharing a lot of unofficial chatrooms with other “misfits” of the community.
With some strange twist of fate, I ended up under the wing of Mateo, more commonly (and notoriously) known as “Cyberwolf”. He gave me a chance to participate in a small group of “misfits” known as lel that I had idolized at the time: Freezer, iFreeze (aka Gibran), Ghost, Lemons, Concord (aka Allan), Alicat and Chelsey. Despite their poor reputation in the community, those people were everything I had ever wanted to be. I saw them as outcasts, but I felt that they were confident, they were mature, they did not define themselves by their shortcomings, they had more to them than this place that I had to come to hate. It was this miniature anarchy they had created on the internet that I truly fell in love with.
It’s not like they liked me, as a matter of fact, they despised me far long before I was allowed within their chatroom. I was different, I was an immature child, a foreigner, incapable of using correct English, I had no personality. I was everything they had chosen and learned not to be, and I understood this at the time, but my desire to be more like them and less like me was much stronger than the effect of the bullying some of them subjected me to within and outside the group. Despite my many shortcomings, Mateo always HAD my back. They did not want me there, and nobody would care had I been removed, but Mateo for some reason unknown to me, would not let it happen.
I grew rapidly during my time with this group, I believe it was 2015, so I would have been 11 or 12 during a good part of it, and they were much older. I developed my relationship with Mateo, he started helping me pursue my goals, connecting me with people who could make things and giving me the chance to work on and learn from real projects. One of my fondest memories that I still cherish to this day is when they had asked me to choose a password for a server we were hosting a CPPS on, and I believe I chose something like: “this1is3a3password7”, the numbers together representing “1337” or “leet”, a commonly used slang word in this community.
I was still a child, but the people I was surrounded by were quickly maturing and growing older, and things were changing very quickly. The traumatic life I had grown happy and comfortable with was rapidly coming to an end. Mateo and Alicat had broken up, the other members of lel grew busy with their lives, and the group began to fall apart. Here’s a story I rarely ever talk about:
Spring
(2016-2018)
My connection to the lel group gave me the opportunity to make cool friends who felt the same way about the group as I did, and that was how I met Tennis, I cherished him very much. We were somewhat close at the time, and he would introduce me to friends from outside the community. However, this star sparkled so much brighter than the rest, and eventually there was no need for a parasite like myself. It was something that saddened me a lot because he had completely distanced himself from me. Thinking back on it, he had a lot of good reasons to despise me for, I was quite hateful at the time.
I recall there used to be large unofficial DSGHQ group chats on Skype, and it was there that I met PeTaL. I recognized his name from the Rile5 CPPS forum, and I used to view him as a respectable person, but he was now a member of the DSGHQ community which I had deeply resented, so I basically viewed him as a fraud, unworthy of his name. We got into a heated internet argument where we both called each other slurs that would now prevent us both from ever finding future employment. When it was over, just like goldfishes, we overlooked the highly offensive argument we had just participated in and bonded over the things we had in common, and that was Rile5 and CPPS development, so we started talking privately and a new friendship was born.
The year is 2016, Cyberwolf has been doxed by members of the community and has been accused of pedophilia. I will be frank, I do not know many details about it, and that is by choice. I don’t know what he really did, and to whom. Honestly, I’m scared of finding out the truth about what kind of person he really was. He was an important figure in my childhood and I want to be able to keep on loving him the way I always did. I am choosing to hold onto the false idol of a childhood hero he has painted inside me. It’s like that one Alec Benjamin song, “Death Of A Hero”.
I believe Damen was in a difficult spot at the time, as Mateo was one of his closest friends. I do not know the details because this community still had a restraining order making sure I was at least 3 continents away. But what I did know was: Damen was stepping down, and a friend of mine that I had recently started talking to was to be the new owner, his name is Charles. We were somewhat close, so it was quite a twist, and despite my undeniable ignorance, I knew quite a bit about the game and the community, so my assistance was needed. Just like that, I went from being ip-banned to being the owner’s right hand. Adam (aka Wheeler) had also become involved with the game.
Once more, in twisted DSGHQ fashion, I watched my friend unknowingly get played into promoting Cyberwolf’s alternate persona, “guinpeng”, to admin. It is my understanding that he was told that guinpeng would be in charge of things like crime zone and that guinpeng would help him run the game, it seemed reasonable as neither Charles nor I had any experience doing anything like that, and we did not know who guinpeng was, or at least that is what I still believe. Nothing stays secret in the DSGHQ though, so they truth quickly surfaced, and Adam was rightfully furious. The dark reality is that many people, especially ranked users, had rejected Charles as he did not have experience with OldCP, so they did not see him as “one of them”. Chaos ensued, and everyone started piling and falsifying accusations for my friend, so he had to go.
Would OldCP shut down for good, or would another poor soul carry the burden of standing in front of the cannon fire for the mismanagement? Certainly, it would not shut down. A new owner was selected, no other than my old friend Island, currently known as Rocket. He was quite the genius pick, a man unfazed by public opinion and judgement and more importantly, uninterested in interfering with Damen’s work. At times, he received similar judgements to Charles for having no practical experience with the game, however Damen was now present by his side, so people could only accept him.
Despite his harsh treatment towards me, I was happy for him, and just like the others, he also started to grow distant from me. He had reached the top of the food chain, and I was nothing more than a step for him to get there, that is how his thoughts started to shape following his promotion. At this time, I was not part of any community or group, I had some friends that I talked to occasionally, but my online activity had pretty much been diminished greatly, and I turned to real life in an attempt to make friends in school.
It did not go well, I was significantly different from the people I was surrounded by. It was a community that despised individuality and promoted homogeneity. That was when I was suddenly approached by an old and long forgotten friend, it was Hashir, and as Detective Inspector, he had been tasked with starting a new iteration of the Crime Office. I do not know why, but I was chosen to be a part of his team. Quickly, it seemed that this newly formed team was in fact, another group of misfits
In the Crime Office of 2017, we fostered an environment more akin to family than a team of detectives. We all became very close, and we talked on the Crime Office Discord server religiously, about everything OldCP related and unrelated. The names I can recall right now are: Hashir, Bakon, Tent (aka PeTaL), Pencil, Mico, Jesse, Sugar, Gamer and 1kutya. Hashir created the affiliate system, which were basically informal detectives. He was quite the harsh boss, he often told me to shut up and restricted my actions. It made me feel very frustrated but I listened nevertheless.
But all good things must come to an end, it was reported that we were swearing on the private Crime Office Discord server, so Damen became frustrated with Hashir, but Hashir did not back down. He was trying to protect his pride as much as the little misfit family he had put together with his own hands. He had to go as well.
We wanted to protest the demotion, but we could not see past our own ambitions, and thus, Hashir was gone, Pencil was made Inspector and I was his Sergeant. I couldn’t describe how it made me feel, I was formally promoted by Damen himself and I was now a moderator. All of these years as a reject were finally coming to an end, or were they?
The new Crime Office was very different, the emotional connection remained, but Pencil and I had quite an informal relationship which gave us more freedom. We were no longer a state sponsored detective agency, we transitioned to nothing but a tight-knit family, without any allegiances. With the help of our dear friends in the Crime Office, Pencil and I started House Cortana, we even pooled our gold to buy a military, and thus most Crime Office members had access to accounts. We were truly building our own justice and story with our bare hands, we used our powers as a vehicle for the visions of the detectives.
Once, we even went rogue and attacked OLDCP military to smuggle away a convicted criminal we believed was innocent! We all got nuked and killed in action, Damen led negotiations between us and Tennis, and we were able to continue operating the Crime Office. We battled the pirates of Providence Isle, the DRAKEFORT military, HYDRA, and more. Together, we could take on the world.
Everyone makes mistakes, and we were the furthest from saints. Eventually, Pencil was demoted, and I became Inspector. Shortly after, I was demoted as well. Most of us went our separate ways after this, but I will always cherish the memories of our family fondly and keep them deep in my heart
I returned in the end of 2017 to participate in the IAPGMOOH (I'm A Penguin Get Me Out Of Here) event as a camp mate alongside some of my former comrades: Pencil, Sugar, Cristal as well Jdutr, whom I believe I had just met. Together, we participated in mild amounts of tomfoolery. It was a blast and I couldn’t imagine how it would’ve been without the presence of my friends
I don’t remember what happened, but I think I won? Shortly after, I became an Imperial Knight for the first time. Mico, now known as Milan, was the Warlord. He had already founded LANNISTER and commanded the IMPERIAL military. Our visions often clashed, we both desired power for our houses, but he did not care how he got there. We were destined for rivalry. Regardless, I wore the LANNISTER armor and hoped the two of us could have a beneficial relationship.
The Crime Office was reconstructed. I sent my application for Detective Sergeant, and Pencil applied for Inspector. I was chosen to be at the helm as Detective Inspector, a prospect that terrified me. My companion, Pencil, was my Sergeant. I felt heavy pressure on my shoulders, I was giving all the orders, making the final decisions. Previously, when Pencil was my superior, all my decisions required his approval, it made me feel like we were both equally responsible. But when I was inspector, I felt like every mistake was solely mine. It affected my decision-making significantly, I could no longer do what I wanted like I had done before.
This iteration of the Crime Office was not the same as before, relations were somewhat sour between the members. Alex held a grudge against me because I had snubbed him out of Inspector, it was a reasonable thing to feel, and I tried to resolve it diplomatically, involving him in managerial processes, but the envy would not fade. Regardless, I pushed forward. We brought back the Detective title and name color. We rebranded the former affiliate system into a detective training system where each detective could train one user who would be promoted to a detective. We hosted detective tryouts for new detectives and that was when I met Music!
I made several managerial mistakes and my bad qualities were constantly being put on display. I struggled with anger issues and several insecurities. I was often criticized by Hashir, a mentor I idolized, and other members of the Crime Office like Alex. The guilt and insecurity weighed heavily on me, so Pencil and I swapped roles, and I became the Sergeant.
Pencil, Alex and I started the War Council together, one of the biggest and longest lasting OldCP sub-communities ever made. We wanted to organize the fighting, our vision was creating a more immersive and enjoyable experience for everyone, especially those who would not find that fun through direct involvement in the crime zone. We had a uniform, different divisions, and it was genuinely so much fun. I could not be more grateful to everyone who joined, listened to losers like us and even obeyed the bizarrely stupid things we asked of them, despite having no authority to do so whatsoever.
Shortly after, I was demoted entirely for participating in indecent acts with Sriram, Milan and others on the Ice Berg server. I was allowed to continue playing as a detective and War Knight. Eventually, I became the King of Das which came with Moderator. I made a hierarchy of ranks and bought new weapons for my troops!
Outside the confines of the game, I still spoke to Tent and Rocket. We were very close friends, in some twisted way. Tent and I were closer to each other than Rocket, as we had more in common, like our culture, upbringing, etc. and the fact that we both played OldCP. Rocket was more influenced by his British upbringing, toxic masculinity was ingrained in his brain, as it was in ours. Honestly, I also felt really envious and jealous in my relationship with Rocket. As he grew up, we both grew more distant, and he had grown closer with Luke, he no longer needed my assistance or money.
Often, Tent and I would abuse Rocket’s issues, we would team up on him and “jokingly” say things that hurt him. Was it revenge for what he had subjected me to all these years?
I don’t know. But we were very frustrated with his inaction towards OldCP, there were many things we wanted to fix and change that we didn’t have the authority to change, but he did. He would own the game for years and do absolutely nothing with it, not even log on. Conflicts often arose due to things like that, which made our relationship very toxic.
I got into an online relationship that took my worst insecurities and developed them into mental disorders. Rocket and friends would often try to make me jealous in various ways, we both did horrible things to each other at the time, but those things would stay with me forever.
I ended it and opted to forget about it, I moved away from the sardine box I lived in to my current apartment. I started getting very busy with school and real life, I was almost 15 at the time. An incident occurred involving Hashir and most of my friends receiving dox threats, so everyone quit social media and disappeared off the face of the internet, so a new Emperor Helper was needed.
I spent some time helping Damen carry out chores whilst Hashir was gone, and then Damen announced a stream on YouTube where he would announce the next Emperor Helper. I was already a moderator on Damen’s streams so I always attended, I sat there late at night (5 PM EST is super late for me) waiting for the big news, and without former notice, I had been selected!
I felt like I had truly found redemption. At one point, nobody liked me, my name was like Voldemort from Harry Potter. But now? I was an administrator, everyone needed me, I had reached the apex, or so it felt at the time. I did not require much training as I had already done plenty of data mining and reverse engineering around OldCP and knew how most things worked, and on the managerial side, I already had a chance to help Hashir when he was also Emperor Helper.
I started carrying out the responsibilities of the Emperor Helper: making announcements, giving out ranks and weapons, running the Discord servers, responding to suggestions, requests and reports and more. There was no end to it, but I was happy, for a time. More than I tried to fulfill my duties, I was interested in the human element of Damen, and I really wanted to be friends. There was nothing for me to gain anymore, but perhaps to finally find peace towards someone I had resented for the better part of my life. I pitched the idea of an original 3D Club Penguin spinoff when the real Club Penguin shut down, Damen rolled with it, and so Penguin3D was created. I recall that I used to be credited on the About section on the website and the game, but that is no longer the case, which is understandable given my future encounters with Damen.
As I continued my reign as Helper, I quickly grew sick of the way I was treated by people. I was kind of put on a pedestal, people saw me and they saw the Emperor Helper, they no longer saw “Jack”. I only spoke to people formally, and I only received messages about requests that I had to fulfill. Nobody was talking to me just to talk anymore, it was always about something they needed me to do for them. I know, this is what I should have expected, if I did not think I was not going to be able to handle the role, I should not have taken it, right? While it did bother me, I was fine with it, I could continue doing my role.
As I sat in solitude atop the throne, an intruder appeared to break the silence of my lonesomeness. She was an acquaintance I had forgotten about in the midst of my busy life. Lush became my right hand, and we became very close friends. She gave me a medium to vent about the weight I was feeling on my shoulders, she gave me advice when I needed it, but most importantly, she was my friend when she wasn’t helping me deal with my responsibilities.
Things got increasingly difficult with time, I often received certain requests that I could not fulfill without Damen’s permission, so I would send Damen a text about one request, he’d not reply. I’d get another request from another person, and I’d send Damen another text, he’d not reply. Then the people who sent those requests would ask me for updates, and I would not know what to say. Sometimes I had 10 messages sent without any reply, and then Damen would text me asking me to do something and the rest of my messages would be ignored. I was so desperate to get any reply from him, I had my notifications on at all times, and I remember that one time he replied to me while I was sleeping and I replied in my sleep! I woke up and saw the messages and was really confused.
Sometimes, I was granted certain privileges that I could not dream of, even when I was an admin. Sometimes, I’d wake up, log on, and those privileges would no longer be usable, and other commands would no longer work. I did not know if there was a server issue or my access to those commands had just been revoked, but either way, there would be no communication about any of it. I did not know if Damen thought I had been doing a horrible job, I felt like he wanted me gone and I became very anxious.
I reached the end of my rope when I had an argument with Rocket on Discord, which ended with him pulling some of my personal information from an old receipt for a server I had bought him in the past. I was not going to take this again, I vowed on it. So, I wrote a document depicting him as a villain even though we both were, I collected screenshots of every horrible thing I had witnessed him do, things I had even encouraged at times. I used my privileges as an admin and posted the document on every official OldCP related Discord and mentioned everyone in it. It was chaos, people were pressing Damen to get rid of Rocket, I had created a nightmare for Damen. He texted me in shock, trying to reach a diplomatic solution, but it was too late. I stepped down, leaving Damen to deal with the fire I had created and avoided taking responsibility for the trouble I made for Damen. Rocket had to go now and I had brought justice for myself, in some twisted way.
Over the next couple of months, I no longer played or cared about the game, but given my former history, I still had administrative access to a some unofficial servers where my “friends” and acquaintances chatted. I tried to stay active there, keeping some social element in my life, but I felt that nobody cared about me anymore, I was nothing more than a transitional character. Oftentimes, my messages would be completely ignored, was I truly nothing more than the Emperor Helper? Is there a reason for me to exist anymore? I used to be hateful, conservative, racist, unhinged and I said everything that was on my mind. Now, I had developed social anxiety and I could not even muster up the courage to say hello.
Summer
(2023)
I grew up in a fairly small city in Egypt, around a conservative Muslim family. I experienced a lot of trauma during my childhood including domestic violence, verbal and physical bullying at school and more. Naturally, I was a product of my environment, I was a twisted person with hateful beliefs, I had to put others down to push myself up. I regret a lot of things and I wish I had not subjected many people to the things I did.
I do not know if redemption really exists, I would like to believe that it does. I do not know if I am any better now than the child who was threatening to hack people on the internet. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days, I wish I could speak my mind freely once more, although the things I would have to say now would be a lot different from the things I used to say in the past.
I have just been discovering myself over the past few years, I’m in college now majoring in something I’m very passionate about, something I would never have had if not for that teary-eyed night when I was doxed. My identity has transformed a lot throughout the years in ways neither me nor my closest friends could have ever foreseen. I’m gender fluid and pan now, I’ve quite literally flipped 180 degrees.
I want to apologize to the people I have hurt, the people I have caused pain to over the years. The sense of justice I had as a kid was lost somewhere along the way, along with many things that I am now trying to reclaim. There are too many people for me to list, but here are some that weigh heavily on my mind:
Kara: I’m sorry about the things I said to you years ago, I know this is not the first time I’ve apologized, but I do not feel that I had been genuine before. You made the right decision for yourself back then and I had no right to judge you for it.
Rocket: Our relationship has been quite rocky. I do not know the exact impact my actions had on you, but we kind of had this toxic thing going on where it was taboo to ever have feelings, the first one to get hurt would be the one to “lose” and would be made fun of for that. I want you to know that I think that you are a very talented individual despite my constant frustrations towards you, and that I am deeply sorry about the toxic environment I helped build around you. I think we both deserved better, and I hope you find nothing but success in your future endeavors.
Harrison: Honestly, I have said some really hurtful things about you and I have attacked you in ways I had no right to, although almost never to your face. I know how it feels like now and if I could take it all back I would do it in a heartbeat. I am sorry for the state our relationship ended in, though I know it did not matter to you as much as it did to me, I hope you are happy with your life.
Sriram: I do not know what kind of issues you were really suffering from, I often tried to understand and to be supportive, but it was something I struggled with. I contributed to making you a joke and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry, I wish I could have been better to you.
Jacobg627 and NinjitsuSir: At one point, I sold out the both of you and reported you to further my own growth. It was a mistake that I have regretted for a long time, I am deeply sorry for betraying your trust.
Sydney (aka Chex): I have been quite the thorn in your side. You’ve trusted me time and time again, and I always threw it in your face. You do not deserve the treatment you have received from me. Thank you for tolerating me and being a good friend for such a long time when you didn’t have to.
Damen: Our relationship has certainly been the most complex relationship in my life. I often held resentment towards you over what happened many years ago, despite you having apologized countless times. I struggled to see past my own anger at the situation I was forced into both online and in real life, and I struggled to separate the idol from the human.
Most people have had this superficial relationship with you, something that this environment has enabled, and it often makes it difficult to understand that you are a person like everyone else. I have been harshly critical of you, in some ways I was like a parent who wanted their child to be perfect, and in pursuit of that I have done much to undermine you as a human being rather than an administrator.
The role you’ve been playing here has made it very difficult to do that, to criticize you as an administrator rather than a person and I understand that. We both care very much about this community, and when someone criticizes the way you run it, it most likely feels like an attack on you, so it is very hard to point out when you do something wrong without hurting your feelings. It is even harder to tell how you feel most of the time, as you are not someone who is very open about that kind of thing, and given your position, I understand.
I have been angry and spiteful and while I could not say that none of it was deserved, I should have been better to you. There is so much I would not have experienced if not for you. I am grateful for everything you have directly and indirectly done for me, and I am deeply sorry about the mishaps I have made towards you, and all the pain I may have caused you. I hope you will be happy going forward with this decision you’ve made.
Thank you for reading even if you haven’t read everything, this has been my account of events ever since I have joined this community over 10 years ago, and the ramblings of a misfit who still struggles to fit in. I hope you can come to understand the person I was then, and the person I am today, perhaps you might find some solace for the pain I have subjected you to.
I love my friends, thank you for your continuous support and tolerance, you know who you are.
Fall
(2012-2014)
It was in the fall of the year 2012, in a small town by the Nile, that I had discovered Old Club Penguin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx3OBJM-ZlI). I used the same username I had been using on Club Penguin, which I had concocted by angrily smashing my keyboard when all of my other usernames were taken, and as such, Asq5 had come into the world.
My first memories are very hazy, but the first friend I made was Kara. She did not hesitate to make it an incredibly welcoming experience for me, as the language barrier and my young age had made it difficult for me to grasp most things, she would often provide her direct support. But the mind of a child is truly limited, so I quickly forgot about the game and the community, only to return months after, sometime in 2013.
Shout to my first two friends: Sueys and Sneval
Kara was still around, we caught up, and I was surprised that she still remembered me. In fact, she was now a moderator! I had just turned 10, and my social intelligence was still challenging that of an inanimate object. That made me susceptible to saying or doing stupid things, which often garnered me mountains of dislikes on the forums. It always made me feel rejected.
I already felt like an outcast, and I craved a medium where I could feel like I mattered. That’s when I met Island, and our relationship quickly flourished. He could make a CPPS, and I had the allowance for it, it felt like it was meant to be, or so it seemed. We started RealCP, our very own small creation, it had a grand community of under 10 users, including myself, Island, Luke, Gamer, Mico, and others. I was very proud of it, I even showed it off at school!
It had already been 2 years since the Arab Spring, and the child in me had developed a deep obsession with justice that I still struggle with to this day. I felt I was often wronged, and the popular hacker group “Anonymous” had resonated with my beliefs at the time. Much like any child who’s passionate about something, I embodied my beliefs, I put on the mask and tried to play the character.
I thought I was building my own justice, and that of others whom I felt had also been wronged in the community, but I basically just harassed people, claiming I would do things I could not. My reputation went from bad to worse, and I was ip-banned from OldCP by someone I considered one of my only friends at the time, this man was Hashir. Even Kara had to cut her losses and split up with me. This angered me, I did not understand why I had to lose my closest friend, and I did not have friends prior to this, so I did not know how to react. I got angry, said many hurtful things I didn’t mean, and it reached the top brass.
I was doxed, pictures of me and my name circulated around the forums, most notably in an announcement on the front page. People wrote statuses making fun of me, my appearance, they were cruel. I cursed them out, and in a traditional twisted DSGHQ fashion, I would not be banned until the laughter had stopped. I was hurt, crushed, but finally, I understood there was nobody and nothing that could ever correct the extreme injustice that had befallen me.
I cried. I cried a lot. Until I couldn’t breathe. I was desperate for anyone to quell the overwhelming sorrow that was quickly drowning me. I turned to Xat, quickly to be reminded that I was banned from the OldCP chatroom, and that I had no friends to talk to. So I logged on RealCP, and there I found my knight in shining armor, Luke. He listened to me as I tried to get my emotions out, not only restrained by my linguistic inabilities, but also the tears falling on my keyboard. But he understood, he comforted me, and most importantly, he helped me believe that I did not deserve it.
That was when I vowed to myself I would never wait for anyone to fight for my justice ever again, and that I would truly build it with my own two hands. I had to cause the same pain and suffering I had gone through to those who had brought it upon me.
Winter
(2014-2016)
I have memory holes after this period, but I recall that I started branching off in many directions. I started learning web design, I used visual editors like Dreamweaver, and I did not understand a word of CSS, so naturally I made some awful stuff. Whenever I showed any of my work to Island, he would harshly criticize it, and when I asked him to teach me, he would promptly refuse.
I also began to foster very strong relationships with both Mico and Gamer at the time. Gamer accepted me and treated me like a human and a friend despite the irrationally hateful sentiment towards me in the community. He talked to me constantly, always enjoyed the projects I worked on and kept me in the loop about whatever was happening in the community. Mico and I talked a lot on Skype, we both shared wildly creative imaginations and a love for role-play, so together, we built Turbocraft, the greatest Minecraft server known to man. I no longer retain specific details of these memories, but I remember that I was really happy, I loved hopping on Minecraft in the summer and wasting hours on end with Mico architecting our grand creations on the server.
Eventually, everyone finds their place within the community, but I always remained an outcast, and my lacking social skills continued deteriorating, but Mico thrived. Ranks were bestowed upon him that I could never have dreamt of, and like the stars in the sky, his sparkle grew ever-more distant from me.
To my misfortune I could not change the fact that I am human, and I could not resist the human urge for connection and belonging. I made alts on Xat to access the OldCP chatroom and various others. Sometimes I was caught and banned on the spot, other times people spotted me but overlooked my presence. I think some staff just had a grudge against me. Because I was constantly getting banned from the official OldCP chatroom, I ended up sharing a lot of unofficial chatrooms with other “misfits” of the community.
With some strange twist of fate, I ended up under the wing of Mateo, more commonly (and notoriously) known as “Cyberwolf”. He gave me a chance to participate in a small group of “misfits” known as lel that I had idolized at the time: Freezer, iFreeze (aka Gibran), Ghost, Lemons, Concord (aka Allan), Alicat and Chelsey. Despite their poor reputation in the community, those people were everything I had ever wanted to be. I saw them as outcasts, but I felt that they were confident, they were mature, they did not define themselves by their shortcomings, they had more to them than this place that I had to come to hate. It was this miniature anarchy they had created on the internet that I truly fell in love with.
It’s not like they liked me, as a matter of fact, they despised me far long before I was allowed within their chatroom. I was different, I was an immature child, a foreigner, incapable of using correct English, I had no personality. I was everything they had chosen and learned not to be, and I understood this at the time, but my desire to be more like them and less like me was much stronger than the effect of the bullying some of them subjected me to within and outside the group. Despite my many shortcomings, Mateo always HAD my back. They did not want me there, and nobody would care had I been removed, but Mateo for some reason unknown to me, would not let it happen.
I grew rapidly during my time with this group, I believe it was 2015, so I would have been 11 or 12 during a good part of it, and they were much older. I developed my relationship with Mateo, he started helping me pursue my goals, connecting me with people who could make things and giving me the chance to work on and learn from real projects. One of my fondest memories that I still cherish to this day is when they had asked me to choose a password for a server we were hosting a CPPS on, and I believe I chose something like: “this1is3a3password7”, the numbers together representing “1337” or “leet”, a commonly used slang word in this community.
I was still a child, but the people I was surrounded by were quickly maturing and growing older, and things were changing very quickly. The traumatic life I had grown happy and comfortable with was rapidly coming to an end. Mateo and Alicat had broken up, the other members of lel grew busy with their lives, and the group began to fall apart. Here’s a story I rarely ever talk about:
Quote:
I used to value Alicat very much, and I appreciated her friendship to a great extent, she was the nicest to me in the group after all. When things ended between her and Mateo, she quit the community entirely. I kept sending her messages on Skype almost weekly for months on end, asking if she was okay, how her life was going and just begging her to come back. Obviously, not once did I get a reply. I never saw her or heard from her again.
Spring
(2016-2018)
My connection to the lel group gave me the opportunity to make cool friends who felt the same way about the group as I did, and that was how I met Tennis, I cherished him very much. We were somewhat close at the time, and he would introduce me to friends from outside the community. However, this star sparkled so much brighter than the rest, and eventually there was no need for a parasite like myself. It was something that saddened me a lot because he had completely distanced himself from me. Thinking back on it, he had a lot of good reasons to despise me for, I was quite hateful at the time.
I recall there used to be large unofficial DSGHQ group chats on Skype, and it was there that I met PeTaL. I recognized his name from the Rile5 CPPS forum, and I used to view him as a respectable person, but he was now a member of the DSGHQ community which I had deeply resented, so I basically viewed him as a fraud, unworthy of his name. We got into a heated internet argument where we both called each other slurs that would now prevent us both from ever finding future employment. When it was over, just like goldfishes, we overlooked the highly offensive argument we had just participated in and bonded over the things we had in common, and that was Rile5 and CPPS development, so we started talking privately and a new friendship was born.
The year is 2016, Cyberwolf has been doxed by members of the community and has been accused of pedophilia. I will be frank, I do not know many details about it, and that is by choice. I don’t know what he really did, and to whom. Honestly, I’m scared of finding out the truth about what kind of person he really was. He was an important figure in my childhood and I want to be able to keep on loving him the way I always did. I am choosing to hold onto the false idol of a childhood hero he has painted inside me. It’s like that one Alec Benjamin song, “Death Of A Hero”.
I believe Damen was in a difficult spot at the time, as Mateo was one of his closest friends. I do not know the details because this community still had a restraining order making sure I was at least 3 continents away. But what I did know was: Damen was stepping down, and a friend of mine that I had recently started talking to was to be the new owner, his name is Charles. We were somewhat close, so it was quite a twist, and despite my undeniable ignorance, I knew quite a bit about the game and the community, so my assistance was needed. Just like that, I went from being ip-banned to being the owner’s right hand. Adam (aka Wheeler) had also become involved with the game.
Once more, in twisted DSGHQ fashion, I watched my friend unknowingly get played into promoting Cyberwolf’s alternate persona, “guinpeng”, to admin. It is my understanding that he was told that guinpeng would be in charge of things like crime zone and that guinpeng would help him run the game, it seemed reasonable as neither Charles nor I had any experience doing anything like that, and we did not know who guinpeng was, or at least that is what I still believe. Nothing stays secret in the DSGHQ though, so they truth quickly surfaced, and Adam was rightfully furious. The dark reality is that many people, especially ranked users, had rejected Charles as he did not have experience with OldCP, so they did not see him as “one of them”. Chaos ensued, and everyone started piling and falsifying accusations for my friend, so he had to go.
Would OldCP shut down for good, or would another poor soul carry the burden of standing in front of the cannon fire for the mismanagement? Certainly, it would not shut down. A new owner was selected, no other than my old friend Island, currently known as Rocket. He was quite the genius pick, a man unfazed by public opinion and judgement and more importantly, uninterested in interfering with Damen’s work. At times, he received similar judgements to Charles for having no practical experience with the game, however Damen was now present by his side, so people could only accept him.
Despite his harsh treatment towards me, I was happy for him, and just like the others, he also started to grow distant from me. He had reached the top of the food chain, and I was nothing more than a step for him to get there, that is how his thoughts started to shape following his promotion. At this time, I was not part of any community or group, I had some friends that I talked to occasionally, but my online activity had pretty much been diminished greatly, and I turned to real life in an attempt to make friends in school.
It did not go well, I was significantly different from the people I was surrounded by. It was a community that despised individuality and promoted homogeneity. That was when I was suddenly approached by an old and long forgotten friend, it was Hashir, and as Detective Inspector, he had been tasked with starting a new iteration of the Crime Office. I do not know why, but I was chosen to be a part of his team. Quickly, it seemed that this newly formed team was in fact, another group of misfits
In the Crime Office of 2017, we fostered an environment more akin to family than a team of detectives. We all became very close, and we talked on the Crime Office Discord server religiously, about everything OldCP related and unrelated. The names I can recall right now are: Hashir, Bakon, Tent (aka PeTaL), Pencil, Mico, Jesse, Sugar, Gamer and 1kutya. Hashir created the affiliate system, which were basically informal detectives. He was quite the harsh boss, he often told me to shut up and restricted my actions. It made me feel very frustrated but I listened nevertheless.
But all good things must come to an end, it was reported that we were swearing on the private Crime Office Discord server, so Damen became frustrated with Hashir, but Hashir did not back down. He was trying to protect his pride as much as the little misfit family he had put together with his own hands. He had to go as well.
We wanted to protest the demotion, but we could not see past our own ambitions, and thus, Hashir was gone, Pencil was made Inspector and I was his Sergeant. I couldn’t describe how it made me feel, I was formally promoted by Damen himself and I was now a moderator. All of these years as a reject were finally coming to an end, or were they?
The new Crime Office was very different, the emotional connection remained, but Pencil and I had quite an informal relationship which gave us more freedom. We were no longer a state sponsored detective agency, we transitioned to nothing but a tight-knit family, without any allegiances. With the help of our dear friends in the Crime Office, Pencil and I started House Cortana, we even pooled our gold to buy a military, and thus most Crime Office members had access to accounts. We were truly building our own justice and story with our bare hands, we used our powers as a vehicle for the visions of the detectives.
Once, we even went rogue and attacked OLDCP military to smuggle away a convicted criminal we believed was innocent! We all got nuked and killed in action, Damen led negotiations between us and Tennis, and we were able to continue operating the Crime Office. We battled the pirates of Providence Isle, the DRAKEFORT military, HYDRA, and more. Together, we could take on the world.
Everyone makes mistakes, and we were the furthest from saints. Eventually, Pencil was demoted, and I became Inspector. Shortly after, I was demoted as well. Most of us went our separate ways after this, but I will always cherish the memories of our family fondly and keep them deep in my heart
I returned in the end of 2017 to participate in the IAPGMOOH (I'm A Penguin Get Me Out Of Here) event as a camp mate alongside some of my former comrades: Pencil, Sugar, Cristal as well Jdutr, whom I believe I had just met. Together, we participated in mild amounts of tomfoolery. It was a blast and I couldn’t imagine how it would’ve been without the presence of my friends
I don’t remember what happened, but I think I won? Shortly after, I became an Imperial Knight for the first time. Mico, now known as Milan, was the Warlord. He had already founded LANNISTER and commanded the IMPERIAL military. Our visions often clashed, we both desired power for our houses, but he did not care how he got there. We were destined for rivalry. Regardless, I wore the LANNISTER armor and hoped the two of us could have a beneficial relationship.
The Crime Office was reconstructed. I sent my application for Detective Sergeant, and Pencil applied for Inspector. I was chosen to be at the helm as Detective Inspector, a prospect that terrified me. My companion, Pencil, was my Sergeant. I felt heavy pressure on my shoulders, I was giving all the orders, making the final decisions. Previously, when Pencil was my superior, all my decisions required his approval, it made me feel like we were both equally responsible. But when I was inspector, I felt like every mistake was solely mine. It affected my decision-making significantly, I could no longer do what I wanted like I had done before.
This iteration of the Crime Office was not the same as before, relations were somewhat sour between the members. Alex held a grudge against me because I had snubbed him out of Inspector, it was a reasonable thing to feel, and I tried to resolve it diplomatically, involving him in managerial processes, but the envy would not fade. Regardless, I pushed forward. We brought back the Detective title and name color. We rebranded the former affiliate system into a detective training system where each detective could train one user who would be promoted to a detective. We hosted detective tryouts for new detectives and that was when I met Music!
I made several managerial mistakes and my bad qualities were constantly being put on display. I struggled with anger issues and several insecurities. I was often criticized by Hashir, a mentor I idolized, and other members of the Crime Office like Alex. The guilt and insecurity weighed heavily on me, so Pencil and I swapped roles, and I became the Sergeant.
Pencil, Alex and I started the War Council together, one of the biggest and longest lasting OldCP sub-communities ever made. We wanted to organize the fighting, our vision was creating a more immersive and enjoyable experience for everyone, especially those who would not find that fun through direct involvement in the crime zone. We had a uniform, different divisions, and it was genuinely so much fun. I could not be more grateful to everyone who joined, listened to losers like us and even obeyed the bizarrely stupid things we asked of them, despite having no authority to do so whatsoever.
Shortly after, I was demoted entirely for participating in indecent acts with Sriram, Milan and others on the Ice Berg server. I was allowed to continue playing as a detective and War Knight. Eventually, I became the King of Das which came with Moderator. I made a hierarchy of ranks and bought new weapons for my troops!
Outside the confines of the game, I still spoke to Tent and Rocket. We were very close friends, in some twisted way. Tent and I were closer to each other than Rocket, as we had more in common, like our culture, upbringing, etc. and the fact that we both played OldCP. Rocket was more influenced by his British upbringing, toxic masculinity was ingrained in his brain, as it was in ours. Honestly, I also felt really envious and jealous in my relationship with Rocket. As he grew up, we both grew more distant, and he had grown closer with Luke, he no longer needed my assistance or money.
Often, Tent and I would abuse Rocket’s issues, we would team up on him and “jokingly” say things that hurt him. Was it revenge for what he had subjected me to all these years?
I don’t know. But we were very frustrated with his inaction towards OldCP, there were many things we wanted to fix and change that we didn’t have the authority to change, but he did. He would own the game for years and do absolutely nothing with it, not even log on. Conflicts often arose due to things like that, which made our relationship very toxic.
I got into an online relationship that took my worst insecurities and developed them into mental disorders. Rocket and friends would often try to make me jealous in various ways, we both did horrible things to each other at the time, but those things would stay with me forever.
I ended it and opted to forget about it, I moved away from the sardine box I lived in to my current apartment. I started getting very busy with school and real life, I was almost 15 at the time. An incident occurred involving Hashir and most of my friends receiving dox threats, so everyone quit social media and disappeared off the face of the internet, so a new Emperor Helper was needed.
I spent some time helping Damen carry out chores whilst Hashir was gone, and then Damen announced a stream on YouTube where he would announce the next Emperor Helper. I was already a moderator on Damen’s streams so I always attended, I sat there late at night (5 PM EST is super late for me) waiting for the big news, and without former notice, I had been selected!
I felt like I had truly found redemption. At one point, nobody liked me, my name was like Voldemort from Harry Potter. But now? I was an administrator, everyone needed me, I had reached the apex, or so it felt at the time. I did not require much training as I had already done plenty of data mining and reverse engineering around OldCP and knew how most things worked, and on the managerial side, I already had a chance to help Hashir when he was also Emperor Helper.
I started carrying out the responsibilities of the Emperor Helper: making announcements, giving out ranks and weapons, running the Discord servers, responding to suggestions, requests and reports and more. There was no end to it, but I was happy, for a time. More than I tried to fulfill my duties, I was interested in the human element of Damen, and I really wanted to be friends. There was nothing for me to gain anymore, but perhaps to finally find peace towards someone I had resented for the better part of my life. I pitched the idea of an original 3D Club Penguin spinoff when the real Club Penguin shut down, Damen rolled with it, and so Penguin3D was created. I recall that I used to be credited on the About section on the website and the game, but that is no longer the case, which is understandable given my future encounters with Damen.
As I continued my reign as Helper, I quickly grew sick of the way I was treated by people. I was kind of put on a pedestal, people saw me and they saw the Emperor Helper, they no longer saw “Jack”. I only spoke to people formally, and I only received messages about requests that I had to fulfill. Nobody was talking to me just to talk anymore, it was always about something they needed me to do for them. I know, this is what I should have expected, if I did not think I was not going to be able to handle the role, I should not have taken it, right? While it did bother me, I was fine with it, I could continue doing my role.
As I sat in solitude atop the throne, an intruder appeared to break the silence of my lonesomeness. She was an acquaintance I had forgotten about in the midst of my busy life. Lush became my right hand, and we became very close friends. She gave me a medium to vent about the weight I was feeling on my shoulders, she gave me advice when I needed it, but most importantly, she was my friend when she wasn’t helping me deal with my responsibilities.
Things got increasingly difficult with time, I often received certain requests that I could not fulfill without Damen’s permission, so I would send Damen a text about one request, he’d not reply. I’d get another request from another person, and I’d send Damen another text, he’d not reply. Then the people who sent those requests would ask me for updates, and I would not know what to say. Sometimes I had 10 messages sent without any reply, and then Damen would text me asking me to do something and the rest of my messages would be ignored. I was so desperate to get any reply from him, I had my notifications on at all times, and I remember that one time he replied to me while I was sleeping and I replied in my sleep! I woke up and saw the messages and was really confused.
Sometimes, I was granted certain privileges that I could not dream of, even when I was an admin. Sometimes, I’d wake up, log on, and those privileges would no longer be usable, and other commands would no longer work. I did not know if there was a server issue or my access to those commands had just been revoked, but either way, there would be no communication about any of it. I did not know if Damen thought I had been doing a horrible job, I felt like he wanted me gone and I became very anxious.
I reached the end of my rope when I had an argument with Rocket on Discord, which ended with him pulling some of my personal information from an old receipt for a server I had bought him in the past. I was not going to take this again, I vowed on it. So, I wrote a document depicting him as a villain even though we both were, I collected screenshots of every horrible thing I had witnessed him do, things I had even encouraged at times. I used my privileges as an admin and posted the document on every official OldCP related Discord and mentioned everyone in it. It was chaos, people were pressing Damen to get rid of Rocket, I had created a nightmare for Damen. He texted me in shock, trying to reach a diplomatic solution, but it was too late. I stepped down, leaving Damen to deal with the fire I had created and avoided taking responsibility for the trouble I made for Damen. Rocket had to go now and I had brought justice for myself, in some twisted way.
Over the next couple of months, I no longer played or cared about the game, but given my former history, I still had administrative access to a some unofficial servers where my “friends” and acquaintances chatted. I tried to stay active there, keeping some social element in my life, but I felt that nobody cared about me anymore, I was nothing more than a transitional character. Oftentimes, my messages would be completely ignored, was I truly nothing more than the Emperor Helper? Is there a reason for me to exist anymore? I used to be hateful, conservative, racist, unhinged and I said everything that was on my mind. Now, I had developed social anxiety and I could not even muster up the courage to say hello.
Summer
(2023)
I grew up in a fairly small city in Egypt, around a conservative Muslim family. I experienced a lot of trauma during my childhood including domestic violence, verbal and physical bullying at school and more. Naturally, I was a product of my environment, I was a twisted person with hateful beliefs, I had to put others down to push myself up. I regret a lot of things and I wish I had not subjected many people to the things I did.
I do not know if redemption really exists, I would like to believe that it does. I do not know if I am any better now than the child who was threatening to hack people on the internet. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days, I wish I could speak my mind freely once more, although the things I would have to say now would be a lot different from the things I used to say in the past.
I have just been discovering myself over the past few years, I’m in college now majoring in something I’m very passionate about, something I would never have had if not for that teary-eyed night when I was doxed. My identity has transformed a lot throughout the years in ways neither me nor my closest friends could have ever foreseen. I’m gender fluid and pan now, I’ve quite literally flipped 180 degrees.
I want to apologize to the people I have hurt, the people I have caused pain to over the years. The sense of justice I had as a kid was lost somewhere along the way, along with many things that I am now trying to reclaim. There are too many people for me to list, but here are some that weigh heavily on my mind:
Kara: I’m sorry about the things I said to you years ago, I know this is not the first time I’ve apologized, but I do not feel that I had been genuine before. You made the right decision for yourself back then and I had no right to judge you for it.
Rocket: Our relationship has been quite rocky. I do not know the exact impact my actions had on you, but we kind of had this toxic thing going on where it was taboo to ever have feelings, the first one to get hurt would be the one to “lose” and would be made fun of for that. I want you to know that I think that you are a very talented individual despite my constant frustrations towards you, and that I am deeply sorry about the toxic environment I helped build around you. I think we both deserved better, and I hope you find nothing but success in your future endeavors.
Harrison: Honestly, I have said some really hurtful things about you and I have attacked you in ways I had no right to, although almost never to your face. I know how it feels like now and if I could take it all back I would do it in a heartbeat. I am sorry for the state our relationship ended in, though I know it did not matter to you as much as it did to me, I hope you are happy with your life.
Sriram: I do not know what kind of issues you were really suffering from, I often tried to understand and to be supportive, but it was something I struggled with. I contributed to making you a joke and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry, I wish I could have been better to you.
Jacobg627 and NinjitsuSir: At one point, I sold out the both of you and reported you to further my own growth. It was a mistake that I have regretted for a long time, I am deeply sorry for betraying your trust.
Sydney (aka Chex): I have been quite the thorn in your side. You’ve trusted me time and time again, and I always threw it in your face. You do not deserve the treatment you have received from me. Thank you for tolerating me and being a good friend for such a long time when you didn’t have to.
Damen: Our relationship has certainly been the most complex relationship in my life. I often held resentment towards you over what happened many years ago, despite you having apologized countless times. I struggled to see past my own anger at the situation I was forced into both online and in real life, and I struggled to separate the idol from the human.
Most people have had this superficial relationship with you, something that this environment has enabled, and it often makes it difficult to understand that you are a person like everyone else. I have been harshly critical of you, in some ways I was like a parent who wanted their child to be perfect, and in pursuit of that I have done much to undermine you as a human being rather than an administrator.
The role you’ve been playing here has made it very difficult to do that, to criticize you as an administrator rather than a person and I understand that. We both care very much about this community, and when someone criticizes the way you run it, it most likely feels like an attack on you, so it is very hard to point out when you do something wrong without hurting your feelings. It is even harder to tell how you feel most of the time, as you are not someone who is very open about that kind of thing, and given your position, I understand.
I have been angry and spiteful and while I could not say that none of it was deserved, I should have been better to you. There is so much I would not have experienced if not for you. I am grateful for everything you have directly and indirectly done for me, and I am deeply sorry about the mishaps I have made towards you, and all the pain I may have caused you. I hope you will be happy going forward with this decision you’ve made.
Thank you for reading even if you haven’t read everything, this has been my account of events ever since I have joined this community over 10 years ago, and the ramblings of a misfit who still struggles to fit in. I hope you can come to understand the person I was then, and the person I am today, perhaps you might find some solace for the pain I have subjected you to.
I love my friends, thank you for your continuous support and tolerance, you know who you are.
Ren